Doh

1. Our cat just lost a mouse in the house. What an IDIOT.


Etienne and I were in the kitchen talking, when Coco came wheeling into the kitchen and ran for a corner...at which point we realized she had a mouse.


And then she lost the mouse.

Hilarity ensued as she chased it around for a while - and then it got away and raced under the piano in the living room.


Coco immediately started sweeping her paw under the piano but it didn't go far enough.


Etienne and I tried to help her out with extensible-type household utensils...and we were almost successful - we swept the little wretch out for just a moment, before it disappeared again beneath the piano.


We continued frantically sweeping.


Result:


Two markers
Two massive dust bunnies
One green block in the shape of a half-circle
One cap from a green marker (lost today)
One piece of odd multicoloured wax - melted crayon?
A couple of unidentified bits of paper


But no mouse.


I think it must have realized that it could go UP.


So...despite the fact that the girls had been in bed for an hour already...I began pounding scales on the piano...waiting for one key to ring silent...or at least to give a good plink and then a plunk as the mouse falls to the floor below.


NOTHING.


So now we have a mouse in the piano.


We have a peanut-buttery mousetrap beside the piano.


And we have a cat (who should be verrrry freaking embarrassed) parked by the piano.


DUDE...this is NOT what we pay you for.




2. Eva got her ears pierced last week.


She was ridonkulously brave, I thought...just marched right up and asked the lady to pierce her ears.


The woman told her that she could give her a freezing gel but it takes an hour to take effect.


Eva told the woman no thanks, just go for it.


So she did.


Eva chose her earrings (pink stars)...the woman drew dots on her earlobes...loaded up the little ear-piercing gun...then aimed and fired.


Between the two ears, Eva did breathlessly remark - in a tone suggesting mild hysteria - that IT HURT.


But she didn't cry.


Afterwards, I said, "I was SO PROUD of you...you even refused the freezing gel to make it hurt less!"


Eva whipped her head around with an audible crack and said,


"TO MAKE IT HURT LESS???"


Oops.


Next time, maybe we'll explain the process a BIT more clearly.


At least she'll know when she does her bellybutton, in ten years.




Off to bed. And yeah, I'll sleep just fine with a mouse in my piano.


A spider, on the other hand.....nope.

Gee thanks, kid

Eva's grandmother takes an ancient-looking jar of relish out of her fridge, as we prep our hot-dogs on a lovely late summer day.

She opens it, smells it, examines it carefully, before replacing the lid and setting it aside.

"I think that one's too old. I think it's gone bad, Eva" she says.

Eva sighs, turns, and shoves the jar across the table towards me.

"Here, Mama," she says.

"YOU TRY IT"

Day one, grade one

1. Eva seemed happy as could be, coming home after her first day of grade one. I had a huge a stab of guilt this morning while at work, knowing that Etienne was hauling three (3!) bags of school supplies, a lunch bag, a dazed Eva, and a squirming Adele - who refuses to hold your hand and tries to fling herself on the sidewalk when you lift her - into a school jammed with 200 other screaming and flailing kids all trying to find their classrooms.

But I talked with him afterward and he was cool as a cucumber - no problemo. Wattaguy.

2. Eva told me the first thing she had to do in grade one was to decorate a page with her name on it. The teacher instructed, "No guns, no violence, and no skulls".

Eva drew a mermaid.

Apparently a clamshell bra strapped on a spectacular pair of double DDs is just fine.

3. I have a summer cold and made the mistake of sniffling and coughing in front of Eva.

She chirped cheerfully, "Maybe you have the H1N1 virus".

Note to self: stop letting troll listen to the news.

4. To cap off an awesome day of grade one, she realized this evening that another tooth is preparing to free itself from the confines of her skull. This one is on top, though, which is particularly exciting. It's wiggling just a little, but she's pretty pumped.

My front teeth took about two years to come in after they fell out...and Etienne's were much the same.

If genetics play any role in tooth growth, Eva's gonna be missing her two front chiclets until menopause.

5. A nice day at work. Boss leaving for new job so we had champagne and bagels with cream cheese.

There is no bagel like a Montreal bagel.

Day two, grade one, bring it on.

Whew - that was long

1. Back from hiatus. Blew my writing mojo but I think it's returning. Or maybe my kids were just boring for six weeks. At any rate, will try to do better.

2. School supplies are purchased and ready to be jammed into Eva's piano-sized backpack tomorrow, for day one of grade one.

She needed about four-hundred duotangs this year but I shopped early and managed to find the kaleidoscope of colours required. I did, however, almost dissolve in tears while searching for the special "Louis Garneau" made-in-Quebec notebooks - they were tucked away in a corner of Staples (well, here it's called Bureau en Gros) and it took me about 15 minutes of tearing about frantically to find them.

She also needs three (!) boxes of Kleenex. Not sure if this is swine flu preparedness or they made a special copy of the list for my perpetually boogery daughter, but that does seem like a lot. Anyway. She's geared up for another year of school.

Let the bell ring and the snot flow.

3. Adder changed daycare groups. She's now in the "Coccinelle" group (Ladybugs) and she now has for a teacher, the lovely "Laura" - a former Romanian schoolteacher who DON'T TAKE NO CRAP. Laura makes pre-Maria Captain Von Trapp look like a giant Austrian marshmallow waving a whistle. Girl is TOUGH.

Anyway, Eva adored Laura and we really like her and I'm sure her no-bones approach will work awesomely with Mademoiselle Independence. In fact, on Monday, Adder's first day, Laura wheedled TWO peepees and ONE wee chocolate-chip-sized turd out of her ON THE POTTY. Laura deserves skyrockets, balloons, and a freaking parade, in my books.

4. Have been doing some spider control lately in the house.

Etienne was out the other night and I was climbing into bed when I saw one on the ceiling. Sprayed her with enough RAID to knock down a hippo, but the whore JUMPED into the bookshelf and I LOST HER.

The only thing worse than FINDING a spider in your bedroom...is LOSING a spider in your bedroom.

Anyway, I fretted and fussed and cursed and flailed about for about twenty minutes trying to find her, and finally gave up and crept into bed.

Read for a few minutes, then glanced up furtively to see her streaking up the wall to the ceiling again.

Grabbed the SWIFFER and went to squash her.

SHE JUMPED AGAIN.

And again, disappeared.

I almost wet my freaking pants this time, but managed to be a brave little soldier and just Swiffered like a mad fool all over the floor, as fast as I could, hoping to squash her (the floor has never been so dust free, I might add).

Anyway, I finally saw her leap out of the swinging Swiffer's path onto the wall, so I grabbed the can of Raid again, and sprayed so hard it looked like can of whipped cream had exploded on the wall. I think I hit her but she staggered under the bookshelf.

I haven't seen her since.

I worry that she's just waiting for her moment, when I let down my guard.

Those things are crafty.

And oh yeah, there was a big long-legged one in the bathroom this morning.

Rolled up three pounds of toilet paper and squashed her off the face of the earth.

Screw you, Charlotte and your terrific humble webs.

6. Off to fold laundry and figure out muffin recipes to deal with ten tonnes of strawberries and blueberries that are starting to sog.

Sleep would be nice, too.

xo

Die, die, die

Woke up this morning and stumbled into the bathroom, ready to make myself beautiful - well, socially acceptable - for another day at work.

And of course - because it's been a week or so since I've seen one and the wretches seem to be drawn to me a fat kid to a Smartie - there was a spider in the bathroom.

The size of my freaking hand.  

ON.

ADELE'S.

TOOTHBRUSH.

It was obscene, really, the huge black spider perched on a wee pastel green toothbrush with a happy-go-lucky little multicoloured train running along its tiny handle.

Pastel toothbrushes are HAPPY things.  

Happy things that belong to innocent, sweet babies...not creatures who've ascended from the murky depths to SUCK BLOOD and SCARE ME.

(those who know me, know my fear of spiders has no bounds whatsoever.  if one is smushed on a wall and it leaves the tiniest of marks, I will forever be afraid of the mark)

It was 3:35 a.m.  

If I woke Etienne up, he would kill me (with reason).

If I didn't kill the spider - which was likely a common house spider with absolutely no risk to humanity whatsoever but who really knows for sure -  IT MIGHT EAT MY FAMILY IF I LET IT LIVE.

She had to die.

And I had to be the one to shuffle her - well, squash her - off this mortal coil.

I was sucking up the courage, actually hyperventilating a little...when she suddenly started bumping up and down like a coked up pole-dancer named LaWanda at a strip club called The Skank.

That thing was HUMPING MY BABY'S TOOTHBRUSH.

I ran for the kitchen, grabbed a three-pound wad of paper towel, and made for the bathroom.

I had enough paper towel to squash a Golden Retriever...and I hit that sucker with enough force, I'm sure the boom was heard in Tokyo.

Then I smushed her again and again and again.  And again.  And again.

And I know there are people who might have carefully picked up the lovely spider (they eat bugs you know!) and gently, lovingly, moved her outside to skitter off into the sunrise, happily spinning webs that read TERRIFIC and HUMBLE and SOME PIG.

Well, SCREW THE PIG.  

Buh bye, beast.

You want some TERRIFIC and HUMBLE?

VICTORY IS MINE.

Huzzah huzzah

1.  Etienne is home.  

This is the best news I've had in oh, three weeks.  He was in Atlantic Canada first, and then off to Chile for a ten-day stint covering fisheries and the rape of the local economy.  The three weeks - they were long.  And I mean, beat your hand with a hammer repeatedly for three weeks long.  

His mother came and took over the girls' wake-ups and drop-offs, while I was busy yammering on the radio in the morning...she's a freaking saint.  But I'm glad it's over and we're back in the routine.  I missed my Etienne.

2.  Eva spent her week at CIRCUS CAMP.  We went to the big end-of-week show yesterday and she absolutely made me MELT beforehand because the trolls had been told to pull their hair back and (OH DEAR GOD, NO!) the elastic band holding her hair back FELL OUT.    She dissolved in tears and for a moment, it looked like her big circus brrreak wasn't going to happen.  But luckily someone came up with another elastic - I scraped her hair back into a messy ponytail and she was able to switch off the waterworks and suck it up for the big performance.  My girl likes to FOLLOW THE RULES TO THE LETTER.  

(As long as someone other than Mama makes the rules) 

But I digress.

Anyway, they did some cool acrobatics and pyramids and jumping and running...after which she spun a plate on a stick balanced on her finger,  for a total of about 0.03 seconds.

I managed somehow to flick the aging synapses into motion and snap a photo.

CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, BABY!!!

Afterwards, we wandered a few blocks down to the Jazz Festival where a gigantic blue bubblegum ice cream cone caught her attention like no sweet jazz ever will:

By the time she finished, it was smeared around her lips, on her forehead, her shoulders, and in her hair.  She looked like a Smurf had exploded beside her.  

But so beautiful.  And so happy.

3.  Addie has begun waving her hand imperviously and snorting, "une minute, Mama" when it's time to do anything.  Not even two, and she's basically telling me to keep my gitch on and WAIT.  I fear fifteen.

4.  Ordered Chinese food the other night and Evita asked, "So who is more Asian-ey...Chinese or Japanese people?"  It prompted a little lesson in geography and I guess anthropology?  Sociology?  I dunno.  At any rate, I explained they are equally...um...Asian-ey.   She's still not convinced - and appears to be pulling for China.

5.  Was in a shop at the Market the other day and slipped on a wet piece of the tile floor.  I skidded violently and whacked my hand on a metal spice rack, causing some immediate bruising, swelling, and bleeding (pride and hand).  

The Girl behind the Cash Register chirped blithely, "Oh, be careful".   Uh yeah.  Thanks - that helps a lot.  If I'd known my sliced hand wouldn't spray blood everywhere, I'd have smacked her with it.

6.  It's SUMMERTIME and Coco's killer instincts have kicked in.  

The other day, I found the ass end of a mouse - complete with an extra bit of spine hanging out - by the back door...and  a tiny dead bird curled up for a dirt nap at the end of the driveway.  

And then there's the tidy present Coco left for Adele, by her toy basket in the living room.

Are y'all feeling the love the cat has for the troll?

Hellooooooo disinfectant.

7.  Have I mentioned that Etienne is home?

Happy.  

Randomness

1.  Fiddled with my Crackberry on the ride home and am now two-fisting animal crackers to combat the nausea.  No, I'm not pregnant.  Just can't read while lurching about on public transit.

2.  Went shopping for bathing suits yesterday with Eva.  

She felt verrrry strongly about getting a sparkly, spangly little bikini, the top of which required a magnifying glass to see.  It was virtually pasties tied together with a string.

I wound up pulling out my Amish hat and forcing her to get a "tankini"...still a two-piece, still very cute, but which does not make her look like a six-year-old hooker.

Anyway, we were wandering about in the bathing suit section and my own suit is getting a bit stretched...so I did a quick check for myself, too.

Which turned Eva into freaking Anna Wintour.

"No, Mama.  Don't pick that one.  IT'S TOO BEAUTIFUL"

Then she pulled out a brown number with huge boobs cut into the front.

"How about this one?  Yeah, it's good for you."

Kid, LET ME REMIND YOU that my body looks like this 

BECAUSE IT GREW YOU THEN EXPELLED YOU.

3.  Was playing with Addie at the park on Saturday, when a mom and grandma came along, pushing a stroller with a baby in it - I would guess around 10 months old or so.

Anyway, Adele loves babies and toddled over to say hello.

There was a yellow dangly banana toy attached to side of the stroller, and Addie giggled and reached for it.

I could not believe the speed at which that mother snatched it out of Addie's hands and hid it under her arm.  She was so violent in removing it, Adele almost keeled over from loss of balance. 

Um...I hate to break it to you, lady...but before you put those Ebola fears to rest...

That swing your child is in?

MINE WAS JUST IN IT.

Muahahahaaa

4.  Made brownies with a six year old and a 22-month-old the other night.

    Never.

    Again.

The above photo was taken JUST BEFORE I shut it down just to stop the whining, screaming, pulling, complaining, whacking of spoons, and gnashing of teeth.

And hey, while we're at it, here's some more of that whining, screaming, pulling, complaining, and gnashing of teeth that seems to accompany virtually every moment they share.

Aren't they lovely?

Yeah. 

I think so, too.